I have been awake since, uh…. Thursday? yeah, at 9 am. I had been asleep for approximately five hours and fifteen minutes. so, 41 hours and change. I have consumed one monster, two beers, two burritos, a wonderful slice of pizza, a more wonderful burger at the redblacks game, muchly water, innumerable espresso shots, a couple pots of chai tea and cigarettes. Several cigarettes. shut up, I’m not giving a specific number. I look at this and go; ‘oh, well look at all that caffeine, you idiot. no wonder you didn’t sleep.’ Incorrect, the caffeine came about as a result of not sleeping. It is a temporary replacement for sleep after all, kinda like painkillers are for feeling not horrible.
What I question is two-fold; First, how the fuck am I still standing and relatively coherent? I know you can last a while on no sleep, but you get weird and I’m already pretty off the beaten path that it should be noticeable. Instead, despite the complete lack of good things going in, I actually seem to be more productive, energetic and friendly. I just worked from 7am to midnight with three hours of break on no sleep and little food…. and I had a blast without being an ass(t) -i wanted it to rhyme- But seriously, I think I should be dead. or at least dehydrated and unconscious. My second question is why am I still up? phase two of the jello is done, the lights are off, nothing is going to explode and I communicate with the same verbal range as a corpse deepthroating kitchen roll.
Hm… yeah, night. hope i make it to the bed before my brain goes.
I have forty eight hours to get a lot of shit done and tomorrow is a write off for doing anything but work. Here’s hoping I can become a whirlwind of alcohol, science and caffeine for at least ten hours in there.
I played a game of Dota 2 where myself and two other players suddenly found ourselves impersonating characters from Frozen. It was fantastic and gave me a small amount of pride in the denizens of the internet
10 pm: okay, time to go to bed dude, we gotta open at 6 tomorrow
11 pm: fuck, stop watching doctor who, go to bed
12 am: I am wide awake, lying here sucks and its hot. Ima starfish
1 am: I have to be up in four hours, that’s not enough sleep and it won’t happen anyways, let’s play dota
2 am: omg, dota people are the best
3 am: omg, dota people are a cancer
4 am: Aaaand now I want to sleep. *cries
5 am: my, it’s lovely out, what a pleasant time of day, I should do this more often, I’m gonna get to work early and read a book
6 am: shifts starts, man, I’m actually in a good mood, this might work
7 am: I feel strange, is my vision going?
8 am: why are there so many fucking people, goddamnit
9 am: oh caffeine, thou art my saviour
10 am: CAFFEINE, THY TREACHERY RUNS DEEP
11 am: how am I functioning like a regular human right now
12 am: please…. kill…. me….
For once, despite the exhaustion, I’m still pretty upbeat which is pretty sweet and another indicator that things are improving. But I can’t fall asleep yet and my eyes have taken a particularly vocal line against my brain’s choices
I should probably just go to sleep. I have a move to figure out in the next week or so and most of it will likely need to happen over the weekend. The bills are piling up and I need to figure out something. And fast.
But damn, it just feels like I’m trying to scrape just a little something out of my night, just a little something. Instead of going to a bar to drown the same old thoughts and thinking the same old problems. And so I stare at my computer like an idiot, like I’m going to get an answer there.
It’s just been so long since I tried to talk to people without hiding behind a glass of poison that I don’t remember how.
Or maybe it’s just hard to validate having a fun night out drinking when I owe everyone and their mother (and my mother) money.
I respectfully request a night where I actually manage to obliterate my thoughts. And if that wasn’t rare enough, I’m going to add the caveat that it has to happen without irrevocably screwing up anything.
they seem like a good thing. Me, I’m terrible at plans. Awful.
But I’m good at lists, so I’m making a list plan. I want to see what I want my life to look like for the next five years and I would like you to see as well. Maybe to say; “that dude is so cool” or “he’s insane if he thinks all that’s happening” or perhaps just “I would also like to do that”. Maybe I’ll just stick to it more if I’ve posted it on an online forum and I feel like the internet is grading on how well I’ve done.
To ease myself into the idea of planning long-term, I’ll start with short-term.
One hour: finish this needlessly long post
One day: get through my shift having eaten things that were not customers (that is both a health concern on my part and an attempt to be more patient with fellow meatbags.)
One week: sort out everything I need in order to move smoothly to my new place
One month: by this point, if nothing I own has accidentally caught fire, -it’s good times. -I should be fully moved in -Drawing regularly again (I have tattoos I owe to people)
One year: In reasonable shape -most of left sleeve done -spend part of summer working on a cruise ship -get paid a large amount for something I’ve drawn -have a large, professional, regularly-updated portfolio that I’m proud of -partially fluent in Russian -snowboarding trip with a group of friends to a distant land -at least two road trips to Montreal or Toronto because I really need to start getting out of the city more often -Two weeks in Paris -Working as a bartender again -Mental fortitude increased without corresponding decrease in empathy -debt-free -finally get to a fucking convention in costume -owner of a fine beard
Two years: Gaining reasonable income as a result of stories, tattoos or drawing (preferably all three) -crazy good shape (I know I’m capable of it) -largely smoke-free -Move to a different city (likely Montreal, Paris and London are a bit far out yet) -work on cruise ship again? Future Sam, let me know how that goes -If I don’t live in Paris by now, visiting at least once a year is good -Tomorrowland -Fully fluent in Russian, back up to spec in French and picking up something else along the way -either become better at video games or play them less -learn some piano -never work minimum wage again
Five years: something, I don’t know what yet, but something to make my mother cry with pride and joy. -have a story finished and in talks with a publisher, if not already published (totally cool with just an e-book, but I want my stories out there to share) -establish a name on some scale as an artist, decide by now if that’s what I want to do for a living -spend a couple months in Australia, both alone and with family and friends -visit most of Europe, Tibet, Japan, NZ and of specific note, the Netherlands -stand on a cliff that took forever to climb, somewhere I’ve never been and howl in victory at the sky
started running out of ideas pretty fast by the five year mark, I don’t normally know what I want to do and I am largely devoid of ambition, but I would like me in five years if all this happened.